For a few weeks I’ve been bugged about an advice columnist’s response to a plea and while whining to my husband he looked at me and said over the top of his glasses, “This, *ahem* sounds like a blog post.”
So I bring my issue to you to ask for advice.
I trust you more.
The basic question is this: if you have dietary restrictions—especially ones that are medical—how does one gently and helpfully get that information across when RSVPing to a wedding or any other event?
I was particularly moved by this from the original questioner:
Knowing that the couples are already under a lot of stress, I would like to avoid inconveniencing them with my dietary restrictions [GF/Vegetarian]. I would prefer to eat in my hotel room beforehand, but I would hate for them to pay for a plated meal that I cannot have.
I will be traveling from out of town to attend these weddings, so skipping the reception is not an option. How do I share in the nuptial celebrations without troubling anyone?
This is how I find myself often feeling—how do I make this not a problem for anyone else. This often involves me bringing my own food, which can also be a problem because some people can get offended from that. But when soy sauce can put me down for three days… it seems the prudent way to go.*
But not an option at a wedding.
The Advice Columnist’s answer was wrong, I feel, on almost every level. She went to a vegetarian expert rather than a gluten-free/vegetarian (if you think I’m being over-the-top let me point out that there is only one hard-to-find fake meat out there that wouldn’t make a GF person very ill indeed. All the rest have wheat) and she didn’t answer the basic question:
How do I deal with this—not being able to eat ANYthing with wheat in it (i.e., fried in the same oil as battered food, made with a roux, breaded with breadcrumbs)—without troubling the hosts more than necessary.
I’m planning an event for this fall and I know that I would prefer to know this kind of thing in advance rather than see someone having to bring their own snack food with them, but if no one puts a
____ dietary restrictions
line on their RSVP card, then what is one to do?
Thoughts?
Advice?
*Gluten hides in everything and I no more expect non-GF folks to know the dangers of or intricacies involved in GF cooking than I would expect my nine year old to know how to drive a car (i.e., he knows there are pedals and a key and steering wheel, but he wouldn’t know how to make the thing go, safely).
MamaO is Heather Ordover, author, designer, mother and knitter... not necessarily in that order. You can get posts from this blog sent directly to your inbox by signing up below, Follow her on Twitter and Like her on Facebook if you're feeling friendly-like.
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I think you add a note saying that you’ll be bringing food to eat because of a medical issue. Truly you don’t know whether the reception folks can handle your specific issue (with gluten, probably not well). If the couple follows up, then you can tell them. In any case, you’ve alerted them to the issue, but solved it for them as well.
In the midst of planning two weddings right now. The cost of the event is not just the food. It’s the hall, the tables and chairs, the linen. so coming to the event and not eating at all – you are still using what was paid for.
So my answer to the guest would have been – eat enough in your hotel room so you’ll be comfortable. Go to the event, if there is anything you can eat (the salad, maybe the side veggies) then just eat that, don’t make a scene – don’t draw attention to your special diet. (hey Diabetics and kosher people have been handling this with panache for years).
Otherwise, simply go, bring a lovely gift and don’t sit there thinking all night about how this is inconvenient for you, but rather how to be a good guest.
I agree with Leah. The cost of one meal out of a catered event isn’t worth the hassle for the couple. Unless it’s a VERY intimate occasion, they probably won’t even notice you’re not really eating.
There are a couple of ways I’d want to handle the situation and is dependent on the degree of relation to the engaged couple.
IF the bride/groom are close friends, I’d call as soon as I got the save the date notice or invitation and thank them for their invitation first. Then I’d note my dietary issue saying something along the lines of, “I have x,y,z dietary issues. I don’t want to add to your planning stress, so I will be delighted to provide for my special diet needs prior to attending your wedding and reception.” And I’d follow with how honored I am to join them, their families and other friends in celebrating their wedding day.
I’d then follow by returning the R.S.V.P. and enclose a brief note referring back to your conversation.
If the wedding couple are not as close to the invitee, then a gracious note should be enclosed with the R.S.V.P. letting them know that due to dietary restrictions you will be unable to join for dinner while being delighted and happy to join the remaining festivities.
It’s true, isn’t it, that it makes a huge difference how close you are to the main couple. I hadn’t thought of that…
As both an event planner by profession and having wheat, soy, dairy, peanut and tree nut allergies myself, I have experience being on both sides of this conflict. More and more caterers are becoming more aware of special dietary needs. I find most are very cooperative. Speak to the whomever is responsible for coordinating the reception and briefly explain your needs and ask if they wouldnt mind speaking with the caterer or if you can contct them yourelf. It helps to know your table number. I have have had no problem being accomodated yet. I have often requested plain chicken breast, a baked potato, and vegetable only prepared using olive oil and steam. Any chef can make that accomodation, even preparing it on completely cleaned and allergy free prep soce and utensils. I’ve knitted my own little bag that I bring my own seasonings, herb blends, and flavored olive oil and flavor it myself. Or if they are not able then I request a larger salad to be served as the main course. I have never seen an extra charge for this accomodation either on the planner side or personally. The worst that can happen s that they can’t accomodate and you have to make other arrangements.
You KNITTED A BAG FOR SEASONINGS!?
You are totally my hero!
It’s really good to hear from someone who sees it from both sides! Thank you! That’s helpful (and I’ll be making sure to talk to the caterer about having a contact person’s name, etc, on hand as we get closer).
Many thanks!
Tip for the knitted bag: it is just big enough for two spice jars and a small bottle of my favorite allergy free dressing. I put the bottles in a quart-sized Ziploc bag first, then into the knitted bag. I kept mine simple. Made it a little wider and taller than the zip bag with a draw string pull. Mine is made from black washable yarn. I got the idea from an old black beaded bag my grandmother made in the 1920’s.
I so feel the same way about not wanting to be a bother. My usual response due to the extensive variety of TICE (things I can’t eat) is to decline invitations. But sometimes people would really love for you to be there even if you have food challenges. 🙂 In that case I usually eat before I go or bring my own food. Being a knitter helps, I can keep my fingers busy and socialize while everybody else eats. I’ve found it makes people feel more comfortable if I have something, though, even if its a mug of hot water with lemon.
When talking with food staff of any kind it seems the magic phrase is ‘food allergies’. Even if that’s not a 100% accurate description in my case, it’s a shortcut that lets them know how very serious it is and that you can’t have even just a little bit of whatever the problem foods are. They don’t want to be wheeling you out on a gurney any more than you do.
Best argument for knitting in public that I have ever heard!
Heather you have gotten some great advice here! Last spring I attended my cousins wedding and she is allergic to shellfish (very seriously) and at HER WEDDING something was cooked in the same pan/oil/surface as shellfish and she was reduced to having her husband use her EPI pen on her because she was physically unable to do it….at her own wedding! If a facility can not be trusted to care for soemthin like that, unfortunatly I’ not willing to trust them for something even more picky and delicate as a GF/vegeatarian diet.
Holy Smoke!!!
I have friends with shellfish allergies–that one scares the bejujus outta me!
And it’s true–knitters know all the best answers.
Heather – I work in catering, and let me tell you – it’s not really a problem anymore. Even here in Wisconsin, caterers run across GF, vegetarian, and other dietary requests all the time. We generally prepare a vegetarian main course – stuffed portabella mushrooms and make sure there’s an extra serving of the side veggie. Usually the problem is that more people choose this option without indicating it on the RSVP, so we can sometimes run short. The best thing you can do is make a small note on the RSVP card, maybe follow up with the planner or family or host, and let them know your needs. It really isn’t that hard! Remember, your hosts want you to partake and making a request like this is not a problem at a catered event. Or shouldn’t be!
That is SUCH good news!! Even if its not on the radars of the hosts it’s a relief to know that the professionals are on top of it!
Thank you!!!
This doesn’t relate to the catered event question, but I came across a passover friendly, GF dessert that made me think of you. It’s on the Smitten Kitchen blog http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2013/03/chocolate-hazelnut-macaroon-torte/#more-9858
Of course if anyone has nut allergies, it’s completely out.
But I don’t (allelu) so this is AWESOME! Thank you, Tricia!